She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Couch. On fire.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
