I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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