I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
