Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just google imaged poop.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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