I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
