he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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