There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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