You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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