i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
