I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
