Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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