My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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