If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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