Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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