Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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