the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
