seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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