Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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