I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
