it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
