The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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