That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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