tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
