I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize