I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
