i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
