Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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