Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
