i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
