i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
