happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
