Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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