I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
