I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
