I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
