When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
