Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
