did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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