I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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