My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
a search helicopter?!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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