All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
