Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
