Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
