He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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