I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
where are you?
Hypothermia
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
