Only a mothe r could love this liver
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
