Already got asked if we're dating
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So squirting runs in the family.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
