i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
