In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
