i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
