why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
