No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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