Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
