my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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