My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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