Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize